Whew! This has been an eventful week in the life of Grayson.
People close to us probably know that Grayson has never slept alone; we have been co-sleeping since shortly after he was born. In the early days, it was really ideal for him and me, as we were breastfeeding constantly it seemed. However, as time went on, and we tried various maneuvers to separate him from our bed at night, we were never able to “make it stick”. The one time we put him in his crib, when he was about 15 months, was disastrous. We lasted 10 days, during which he would spend nearly 12 hours alone in the crib, not crying, but also not sleeping! Frequently we would peek in at him throughout the night, and he would always be sitting upright in the middle of the crib, not even leaning against anything, and occasionally falling asleep for a moment until his head bobbed. It was heartbreaking to see. No matter how much I try to describe it, you really just can’t get how sad and horrible it was until you’d seen it yourself. We lasted 10 days, during which he was a total wreck during the days from almost no sleep, and then he got a high fever and I just wouldn’t continue the process while he was sick. We returned to the old ways: I generally went to bed when he did, even as early as 6:30 or 7pm, and rarely left the bedroom again until morning. It was… not fun and not ideal, but I just wasn’t sure what else to do, and I was unprepared (or unwilling?) to let my child spend the night screaming for me. I am aware that MANY people disagree and think it’s perfectly fine to just let them cry, and I also agree on some levels, but when it comes down to it, my temperament just can’t handle it.
So, Monday night (the day after he turned 2!) we spent the evening getting his big-boy bedroom ready. He quickly started calling it “Grayson’s Room” and seemed to get that it was for him. We put Thomas the Tank Engine removable stickers all over the walls, put up the very awesome Moon in My Room (thanks, Decky & Papa!) We moved all of his books down to the room, and periodically I would tell him about how this was his room, and he was going to sleep here, all of which he seemed to accept.
We did the usual bedtime routine (brush teeth, pj’s, rock + stories, then a song or two) and then I tucked him into his bed and left. Seth had a mattress on the floor so he could stay in the room that night. It was hard, of course, but he cried for a while and then fell asleep around 8:00pm. He woke up at midnight, looked around, and Seth told him it was still time for night-night and to go back to sleep. He did! Then he woke at 2am and was pretty inconsolable. He kept asking for Mama, and Seth finally called me and asked me to come down for a minute. I came down and rocked him, sang “The Moon Song”, and then put him back in bed. Oh, boy. Well, I’ve really already gone into a lot of detail, so I’ll summarize. That first night, Grayson probably got about 8 hours of sleep, while Seth got markedly less, and I only slept for 3 hours. That was mainly because I was so anxious. It really was the best decision to have me involved as little as possible with this process. I am too tender-hearted.
Last night marked Night #3 in his own room, and it was much, much more successful. I do believe we finally made the right steps! He slept most of the night peacefully, with only a few wakings. This time, he seemed to more readily accept that it was still sleeping time, and laid himself back down. Yes! He has been happy and perky and energetic each morning.
One of the biggest changes that has come out of this is how he is handling being left at the sitter’s house. Even though it’s been well over a year, he has still always resisted going and there are always tears, screaming, and clutching for Mama when I leave him with Teresa. I know that he usually settles and goes to play within a couple of minutes, but that doesn’t make it any easier for me to leave him. Every morning I’ve felt a pit of despair in my stomach with the anticipation of leaving him at Teresa’s, and I fantasize about having Seth drop him off instead, or about staying home all the time with him.
Yesterday morning and today, here is how it went: We got into Teresa’s entry room, took off boots, hat, jacket, etc., with no crying, and then Grayson just walked right past me and Teresa and right into the playroom with not a glance back. It was actually sort of hard for me the first time he did that, as I’d grown accustomed to at least a hug before leaving, but what a feeling! To know that I’m leaving him with confidence, that he will happily play and socialize with other children in a safe environment while I’m gone, and that he won’t be missing me as much, is such a blessing. I hope it will help us to have an even better time together in the evenings. In Grayson’s words, “Grayson did it!”
Whew. I’m wordy. Wordy McWord.
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